Tag Archives: Dom

How would you write fetishism and BDSM sex in a healthier way than 50 Shades of Grey?

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Most people aren’t very familiar with the fetish scene. I think many of the book’s fans are surprised when they learn that those who practice BDSM, by and large, can’t stand the book. This isn’t just literary criticism… that’s for another post. It’s that the ideas presented in the novels do not represent the scene itself. At all. Christian Grey isn’t a Dom. He’s an abusive stalker.

Some people really enjoy kinky activity. And that’s perfectly okay! What keeps it “perfectly okay” are the watchwords of the BDSM community – “safe, sane and consensual”. I identify as a submissive, which means that I deliberately put myself into a vulnerable position sexually, and I enjoy it. I’m able to do this without fearing for my life because I kneel at the feet of men who believe in safety. I kneel at the feet of men who are sane. And before I knelt we negotiated what would happen in scene, how far he could go, and what our safewords would be. Consent, on both sides.

How do you write that? It’s not hard. There are TONS of good stories out there. A quick search at Litrotica should point you in the right direction. If you want to keep the theme of “mass market BDSM” or “fetish for mass consumption” I’m fine with that. In fact, I’d love it! Let’s break a few taboos and move out from the shadows! So keep it a seduction of a lovely young innocent. Why not? Make it sensual. But remember this – a submissive is STRONG. It takes courage to kneel, to submit, to let go. Play to her strengths even as she’s submitting to his.

After a scene there’s a weird emotional drop on both sides. Aftercare is a must – lots of cuddle time required. This isn’t a playground of the wealthy – move it into the clubs, a social setting. And show different types! There’s so much diversity in scene! So yes, write from her point-of-view, but also his. Male submission? Definitely. Different kinks and what drives them? Sure. Gay and lesbian? Of course. Hard-core? Soft as a butterfly? Everything in between? Absolutely. But please, keep it real, keep it safe, keep it sane, keep it consensual. There’s even something out there called consensual non-consent. No problem… just don’t cross that line.

How do I get into the BDSM life style?

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This is an excellent question! You’re female, 21, shy and looking for a Dom. Depending on where you are this might be something of a challenge, but let’s start with the basics. For anyone just starting out, in addition to looking for a Dom / Master / Owner (and yes, those are three different things…) I’d also recommend joining a site or two that’s just for their own orientation. It’s nice to be in a safe place where you can simply talk with people like yourself, without having to explain anything. For example, Humbled Females is, as the name suggests, just for submissive women and Doms to gather. Finding a few submissive girlfriends to chat with is usually quite a validating experience!

All the people recommending Fetlife are pointing you in the right direction. Essentially, it’s an online munch for people who can’t get to one locally. There are lots of people there who can answer your questions and you can start to get a feel for the scene. Collarspace is another place to check out, but it has so many problems these days that I have downgraded my recommendation to a yellow light. The website hasn’t been upgraded in about 15 years, it’s quite buggy and it will take at least a month for your profile to be approved. Also, there are TONS of fake profiles, so using CS requires large amounts of both common sense and patience. That being said, people keep using it because it’s extremely high traffic. And because there are some quite real and quite wonderful users there, one of whom might have a collar with your name on it. They’re billing Alt as their sister site these days. Less traffic, less drama. You can sign up for free, but to reply to anyone you’ll need to upgrade your account.

Now that the “50 Shades” mania is starting to die down a little, many of the sites that popped up trying to cash in are starting to fizzle out – this is a good thing. If you ask around on Fetlife, I’m sure they’ll be able to point you in the direction of a few more sites that are both legit and thriving. Good luck!