Most people aren’t very familiar with the fetish scene. I think many of the book’s fans are surprised when they learn that those who practice BDSM, by and large, can’t stand the book. This isn’t just literary criticism… that’s for another post. It’s that the ideas presented in the novels do not represent the scene itself. At all. Christian Grey isn’t a Dom. He’s an abusive stalker.
Some people really enjoy kinky activity. And that’s perfectly okay! What keeps it “perfectly okay” are the watchwords of the BDSM community – “safe, sane and consensual”. I identify as a submissive, which means that I deliberately put myself into a vulnerable position sexually, and I enjoy it. I’m able to do this without fearing for my life because I kneel at the feet of men who believe in safety. I kneel at the feet of men who are sane. And before I knelt we negotiated what would happen in scene, how far he could go, and what our safewords would be. Consent, on both sides.
How do you write that? It’s not hard. There are TONS of good stories out there. A quick search at Litrotica should point you in the right direction. If you want to keep the theme of “mass market BDSM” or “fetish for mass consumption” I’m fine with that. In fact, I’d love it! Let’s break a few taboos and move out from the shadows! So keep it a seduction of a lovely young innocent. Why not? Make it sensual. But remember this – a submissive is STRONG. It takes courage to kneel, to submit, to let go. Play to her strengths even as she’s submitting to his.
After a scene there’s a weird emotional drop on both sides. Aftercare is a must – lots of cuddle time required. This isn’t a playground of the wealthy – move it into the clubs, a social setting. And show different types! There’s so much diversity in scene! So yes, write from her point-of-view, but also his. Male submission? Definitely. Different kinks and what drives them? Sure. Gay and lesbian? Of course. Hard-core? Soft as a butterfly? Everything in between? Absolutely. But please, keep it real, keep it safe, keep it sane, keep it consensual. There’s even something out there called consensual non-consent. No problem… just don’t cross that line.
Excellent question! And a loaded question, because depending on who is using the term it can cover a LOT of ground.
Of course this is probably all she’s wearing, but this photo is pretty modest…
Here is a fetish model, demonstrating a blackout blindfold for a BDSM catalog. Fairly modest, nothing too demanding.
It pays to be flexible when you’re in scene.
She is also a fetish model. She’s in the middle of making a porn movie. This is the very beginning of the shoot – it will not be modest, it will be extremely demanding. By the end of it all she’s probably going to be exhausted and covered in lots of different fluids.
I know, this phone is SO 1973… but I look so cute holding it!
She’s a fetish model too. “PSO” or “Phone Sex Operators” are usually (though not always) required to share photos and/or videos of themselves along with trading sexy fantasies with their callers.
Hey… YOU try looking both strong and submissive at the same time. It’s an art!
Let’s not leave out the boys – they’re fetish models too.
Do these heels make my toes look big?
And they even have sub-categories for different parts of the anatomy. For example, there’s a HUGE demand for pretty feet in extreme heels.
I could go on, but hopefully you get the idea. “Fetish model” is a catch-all phrase that covers nearly anything in scene if a camera is involved.
This is an excellent question! You’re female, 21, shy and looking for a Dom. Depending on where you are this might be something of a challenge, but let’s start with the basics. For anyone just starting out, in addition to looking for a Dom / Master / Owner (and yes, those are three different things…) I’d also recommend joining a site or two that’s just for their own orientation. It’s nice to be in a safe place where you can simply talk with people like yourself, without having to explain anything. For example, Humbled Females is, as the name suggests, just for submissive women and Doms to gather. Finding a few submissive girlfriends to chat with is usually quite a validating experience!
All the people recommending Fetlife are pointing you in the right direction. Essentially, it’s an online munch for people who can’t get to one locally. There are lots of people there who can answer your questions and you can start to get a feel for the scene. Collarspace is another place to check out, but it has so many problems these days that I have downgraded my recommendation to a yellow light. The website hasn’t been upgraded in about 15 years, it’s quite buggy and it will take at least a month for your profile to be approved. Also, there are TONS of fake profiles, so using CS requires large amounts of both common sense and patience. That being said, people keep using it because it’s extremely high traffic. And because there are some quite real and quite wonderful users there, one of whom might have a collar with your name on it. They’re billing Alt as their sister site these days. Less traffic, less drama. You can sign up for free, but to reply to anyone you’ll need to upgrade your account.
Now that the “50 Shades” mania is starting to die down a little, many of the sites that popped up trying to cash in are starting to fizzle out – this is a good thing. If you ask around on Fetlife, I’m sure they’ll be able to point you in the direction of a few more sites that are both legit and thriving. Good luck!
So long as both parties consent and play safely, most things in BDSM aren’t “bad”. But from the outside a lot of them aren’t easily understood.
In BDSM, a “brat” is a submissive who acts like a bratty child. They’re sassy, they often talk back to their Master. They constantly want attention, they frequently disobey. If you’re not in scene I can imagine you’re thinking “who would want such a relationship?” But there are many Masters who think a passive, totally obedient sub is boring. They want someone with a bit of sparkle and fire. Her feisty spirit energizes his. They’ll seek out a brat to keep things lively.
However, it’s possible for brats to take things too far. I remember being in a club in New York. Everything was going great, everyone was having a good time. Then suddenly a sound carried above the crowd – the unmistakable sharp, sudden **CRACK** of an open-hand slap at strength. Even in a BDSM club, it’s not a sound we heard all that often.
The room went quiet and every person turned to see what was going on. The crowd was savvy enough to know someone had just crossed a line, but who? It turned out to be a pretty little brat with long dark hair and gorgeous tits. She had gone a bit too far with her Master and he simply slapped her across the face, once, hard. By the time I arrived she had collapsed in a weeping puddle at his feet and was begging forgiveness. He ignored her for a time then let her sit on his lap until I lost track of them.
As you can see, brats are pretty high maintenance, but they’re rarely boring. A brat will always be submissive but will never be broken. In theory she can be continually stalked without ever being conquered, which is why they’re so popular.
Details: Okay so here’s the deal, I know lots of people are into a BDSM relationship but I really don’t want to date someone that’s dominant take charge of everything in my life. However, the BDSM thing really turns me on and I feel like i need a kick of it to be better in life. I’m having a boyfriend and things between us are great, he is a gentleman and he cares and respects me. But our sex is just ok, because I’m usually lazy and inactive, and it’s hard for me to get wet without being kinky, and he’s into romantic sex. But it’s not just about sex, it’s about my lazy lifestyle too, like I need someone that’s strict and push me a bit so I can be better, sexually and non sexually. So, I went on getdare and asked for a online master. I have to say that it really turns me on and I feel fun. I was just engaged in being an online slave for 1–2 days, and after it I met my boyfriend, and our sex was AMAZING. I feel a lottt closer to him, like it was our best time together after almost 1 year dating. And I feel great. But again, I’m not sure if I should really submit to this in a long-term run. Because I don’t want to feel weird about him(my bf) when we meet, and I do not want my normal life to be affected so much. So I really need some advice. This (having an online master) helps me so much as a person and a girlfriend. But will it be too much? If I do this, should I keep it as a secret and not tell my bf? Cause I don’t want him to think i’m a freak, esp to people that don’t know much about this lifestyle.
This is a great question! I really like the detail you offered in your notes. I’ve been in your position before, and it’s not easy is it? In my case I was engaged to a guy I really cared about. In fact, I thought he was just perfect for me. Why else would I have said “yes” when he proposed, right? The only thing that was a little off was just what you describe. He was so sweet, and romantic. He was such a gentleman, and he really cared about me. And our sex like was so… boring. It was awful! I tried to spice it up, but really he was just a passive person. The chemistry between us just wasn’t there in that respect.
So I did exactly what you did. This was the very early days of the internet, but I lucked out and found a Master in New York who agreed to train me. And at first it really helped! The sex between my fiance and myself sparked like never before! But I felt guilty, because I wasn’t really responding to him. I was following my new Master’s orders. The next morning I told him everything. To my surprise he wasn’t upset. My fiance was happy! He told me to keep training!
This continued for a few months, and we eventually married. But I should have anticipated what was happening. It turned out that my husband was also submissive. He was as interested in what my online Master was doing as I was, and it ended up making me a little crazy. I tried so hard to serve him, but he’d give in to me at every turn. Two passive people in a relationship just didn’t work well.
That’s what happened to me. That’s not necessarily what will happen to you. But consider this. While you’re saying you don’t want a Master to impact your day-to-day routine, you’ve also just described yourself as lazy. As really needing someone to be strict and push you. Have you found that in your boyfriend? You don’t get turned on by him, and now you’re lying to him. You’re worried that he’ll judge you if you’re honest with him.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is to step out of the shadows. Don’t play games, either with him or yourself. You’ll just make yourself crazy, when you could actually be having a lot of fun! There’s no need to confront your boyfriend. He actually sounds like a wonderful person! Take him out somewhere nice. Maybe to a park for a surprise picnic – someplace casual and quiet where you can talk. Make him feel special and appreciated. Be sure to let him know that you’re talking to him because you care about him, and that you especially care about the two of you as a couple. Then gently, but candidly, tell him what you’ve described here. Tell him that you’re submissive in the bedroom, and about the dare you received. Describe how it made you feel, and about how it made you feel about him in particular. Describe how sexy it made you feel toward him.
Hopefully he’ll respond in a positive and supportive way. If not… maybe you should give him the URL for Get Dare! In either case, I wish you the best.
As you can imagine, they’re all a bit different. Some have themes, like some cater to Doms, some to subs. Some go more fetish, some are strictly gay clubs. There’s always a place to check in, and usually the cover charge is pretty steep. I’ve never seen a BDSM club that permitted alcohol consumption on site, FWIW.
Most of them open up onto a central room that usually has a stage of some sort. Depending on the theme of the night the stage may be pre-set with any number of gadgets. Or if it’s an auction it might be just a microphone and a spotlight. Then there will usually be smaller rooms for private scenes or smaller gatherings or demonstrations.
One thing that’s usually made clear up front. Along with the no alcohol rule, there’s a strict “no sex” rule. You might get turned on, but there is to be NO penetration of anyone with anything anywhere. Beating, flogging, even branding is A-ok. Ejaculation is frowned upon unless it’s cleaned up. But penetration is a no-no, as is exchanging cash for services. Anything like that must be done not just outside but off the premises entirely.
LOL My mother. No, seriously! But… not that way. 😉
I was a very precocious kid. I was in her bathroom one day when I found this weird book in the trash. Unlike every other book I’d ever seen, the cover on this one was blank.
It didn’t look all that threatening, and it was in my mother’s trash, so she clearly didn’t want it anymore, right? Maybe it was a vocabulary book… I’ll never understand what my sweet little southern belle of a mother was doing with that book, but I can certainly understand why she threw it away. She ran with a crowd that thought itself rather racy and naughty, maybe one of them gave it to her. She probably read the first paragraph, screamed and that was that!
So that was my first introduction to the scene officially, though it had been explained to me even earlier than that. I just didn’t have the context until I read the book. And even then there were a few things I didn’t quite understand until a few re-readings later. But really, I think you could safely say I’ve been into the scene most of my life.
Kinky Corner 