So long as both parties consent and play safely, most things in BDSM aren’t “bad”. But from the outside a lot of them aren’t easily understood.
In BDSM, a “brat” is a submissive who acts like a bratty child. They’re sassy, they often talk back to their Master. They constantly want attention, they frequently disobey. If you’re not in scene I can imagine you’re thinking “who would want such a relationship?” But there are many Masters who think a passive, totally obedient sub is boring. They want someone with a bit of sparkle and fire. Her feisty spirit energizes his. They’ll seek out a brat to keep things lively.
However, it’s possible for brats to take things too far. I remember being in a club in New York. Everything was going great, everyone was having a good time. Then suddenly a sound carried above the crowd – the unmistakable sharp, sudden **CRACK** of an open-hand slap at strength. Even in a BDSM club, it’s not a sound we heard all that often.
The room went quiet and every person turned to see what was going on. The crowd was savvy enough to know someone had just crossed a line, but who? It turned out to be a pretty little brat with long dark hair and gorgeous tits. She had gone a bit too far with her Master and he simply slapped her across the face, once, hard. By the time I arrived she had collapsed in a weeping puddle at his feet and was begging forgiveness. He ignored her for a time then let her sit on his lap until I lost track of them.
As you can see, brats are pretty high maintenance, but they’re rarely boring. A brat will always be submissive but will never be broken. In theory she can be continually stalked without ever being conquered, which is why they’re so popular.
A place in the USA? I must assume by your inclusion of this detail that you are not in the USA. If I’m mistaken please forgive me.
The last time I was on Collarspace I specifically stated I was 1. submissive 2. looking for online only and 3. specifically looking for a Master. and yet I was flooded with hundreds of messages from all over the world, submissive men begging to give me everything they own and serve me in my home if only I would sponsor them into the US. They’d happily live in my basement and never leave if only… and so on.
So… Gentlemen. As anyone with common sense knows, there are many lovely, wonderful Mistresses in the world. Many of whom are online. Some of whom are on the infamous Collarspace, or on Fetlife, or Alt or any number of websites. You become theirs by introducing yourself then starting a relationship. If they like you proceed accordingly.
But if your goal is to simply find someone to sponsor you into the United States, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but this really isn’t the way to go about it. A true Mistress is the least gullible person you’ll ever meet. And in today’s xenophobic climate… please. Just don’t.
Details: Okay so here’s the deal, I know lots of people are into a BDSM relationship but I really don’t want to date someone that’s dominant take charge of everything in my life. However, the BDSM thing really turns me on and I feel like i need a kick of it to be better in life. I’m having a boyfriend and things between us are great, he is a gentleman and he cares and respects me. But our sex is just ok, because I’m usually lazy and inactive, and it’s hard for me to get wet without being kinky, and he’s into romantic sex. But it’s not just about sex, it’s about my lazy lifestyle too, like I need someone that’s strict and push me a bit so I can be better, sexually and non sexually. So, I went on getdare and asked for a online master. I have to say that it really turns me on and I feel fun. I was just engaged in being an online slave for 1–2 days, and after it I met my boyfriend, and our sex was AMAZING. I feel a lottt closer to him, like it was our best time together after almost 1 year dating. And I feel great. But again, I’m not sure if I should really submit to this in a long-term run. Because I don’t want to feel weird about him(my bf) when we meet, and I do not want my normal life to be affected so much. So I really need some advice. This (having an online master) helps me so much as a person and a girlfriend. But will it be too much? If I do this, should I keep it as a secret and not tell my bf? Cause I don’t want him to think i’m a freak, esp to people that don’t know much about this lifestyle.
This is a great question! I really like the detail you offered in your notes. I’ve been in your position before, and it’s not easy is it? In my case I was engaged to a guy I really cared about. In fact, I thought he was just perfect for me. Why else would I have said “yes” when he proposed, right? The only thing that was a little off was just what you describe. He was so sweet, and romantic. He was such a gentleman, and he really cared about me. And our sex like was so… boring. It was awful! I tried to spice it up, but really he was just a passive person. The chemistry between us just wasn’t there in that respect.
So I did exactly what you did. This was the very early days of the internet, but I lucked out and found a Master in New York who agreed to train me. And at first it really helped! The sex between my fiance and myself sparked like never before! But I felt guilty, because I wasn’t really responding to him. I was following my new Master’s orders. The next morning I told him everything. To my surprise he wasn’t upset. My fiance was happy! He told me to keep training!
This continued for a few months, and we eventually married. But I should have anticipated what was happening. It turned out that my husband was also submissive. He was as interested in what my online Master was doing as I was, and it ended up making me a little crazy. I tried so hard to serve him, but he’d give in to me at every turn. Two passive people in a relationship just didn’t work well.
That’s what happened to me. That’s not necessarily what will happen to you. But consider this. While you’re saying you don’t want a Master to impact your day-to-day routine, you’ve also just described yourself as lazy. As really needing someone to be strict and push you. Have you found that in your boyfriend? You don’t get turned on by him, and now you’re lying to him. You’re worried that he’ll judge you if you’re honest with him.
My advice, for what it’s worth, is to step out of the shadows. Don’t play games, either with him or yourself. You’ll just make yourself crazy, when you could actually be having a lot of fun! There’s no need to confront your boyfriend. He actually sounds like a wonderful person! Take him out somewhere nice. Maybe to a park for a surprise picnic – someplace casual and quiet where you can talk. Make him feel special and appreciated. Be sure to let him know that you’re talking to him because you care about him, and that you especially care about the two of you as a couple. Then gently, but candidly, tell him what you’ve described here. Tell him that you’re submissive in the bedroom, and about the dare you received. Describe how it made you feel, and about how it made you feel about him in particular. Describe how sexy it made you feel toward him.
Hopefully he’ll respond in a positive and supportive way. If not… maybe you should give him the URL for Get Dare! In either case, I wish you the best.
Interesting question! Though I identify as a submissive, I’m really turned on by the idea of sexual slavery. Most would argue there’s little to no difference, but as you probably already know there’s actually a world of difference. What hunter wants his prey to meekly turn over and willingly present their belly to him? Isn’t it much more fun to stalk, to pounce, to claim? In turn, I may naturally kneel before a man, but I’d much rather he simply grab me, bend me over and take what he desires. There are many women like me in the world, who enjoy the idea of consensual non-consent. Go find one (or two or three… after all, you’re the owner!)
As you can imagine, they’re all a bit different. Some have themes, like some cater to Doms, some to subs. Some go more fetish, some are strictly gay clubs. There’s always a place to check in, and usually the cover charge is pretty steep. I’ve never seen a BDSM club that permitted alcohol consumption on site, FWIW.
Most of them open up onto a central room that usually has a stage of some sort. Depending on the theme of the night the stage may be pre-set with any number of gadgets. Or if it’s an auction it might be just a microphone and a spotlight. Then there will usually be smaller rooms for private scenes or smaller gatherings or demonstrations.
One thing that’s usually made clear up front. Along with the no alcohol rule, there’s a strict “no sex” rule. You might get turned on, but there is to be NO penetration of anyone with anything anywhere. Beating, flogging, even branding is A-ok. Ejaculation is frowned upon unless it’s cleaned up. But penetration is a no-no, as is exchanging cash for services. Anything like that must be done not just outside but off the premises entirely.
No, it’s not bad. I started my obsession around that age! You’re actually lucky. 🙂 You’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you. You’re right, you can’t go to munches or parties, but you can prepare to be the best you possible, so that when it comes time to present yourself you’ll be ready. One way you might want to start is to focus on being healthy and strong – you’d be surprised how many ways it pays off to be a bit athletic! Focus on core skills. In addition to your studies, learn how to manage a house. How to cook. How to sew a button or balance a budget. I know it sounds ridiculous when talking about masters, but really that’s the point. If that’s truly the goal you want to offer something of value. Take it upon yourself to improve in every way you can think of. Good luck!
LOL My mother. No, seriously! But… not that way. 😉
I was a very precocious kid. I was in her bathroom one day when I found this weird book in the trash. Unlike every other book I’d ever seen, the cover on this one was blank.
It didn’t look all that threatening, and it was in my mother’s trash, so she clearly didn’t want it anymore, right? Maybe it was a vocabulary book… I’ll never understand what my sweet little southern belle of a mother was doing with that book, but I can certainly understand why she threw it away. She ran with a crowd that thought itself rather racy and naughty, maybe one of them gave it to her. She probably read the first paragraph, screamed and that was that!
So that was my first introduction to the scene officially, though it had been explained to me even earlier than that. I just didn’t have the context until I read the book. And even then there were a few things I didn’t quite understand until a few re-readings later. But really, I think you could safely say I’ve been into the scene most of my life.
Hi there! That’s a good question. And I hate to say “it depends” but… it sort of depends on the fetish. Since you didn’t specify, I’d recommend two of the more high traffic sites to start with. Fetlife covers a little bit of everything. It may take you a little while to get used to the organization, because it’s kind of all over the place. But whatever you’re into, it’s there someplace!
The other recommendation comes with a warning. Collarspace is a legit website. At one point it used to be really cool. But that was about… oh, 20 years ago. Seriously. Ok, maybe 15. I’ve been doing this a long time. The point is, they haven’t updated their site in all this time. And there are a TON of fake profiles on CS. So… so many. The good news is that there are also lots of real ones there. You just have to be very patient and have lots of common sense. Also, because they’re outdated, getting a new profile approved takes forever. And if you find a typo and want to fix it? Your entire profile will be shut down for review for about another month. It’s frustrating as anything to be there. The reason why so many people keep going back is because of the high traffic, and that’s why I recommend it, even with all the problems it presents.
If you don’t find who you’re looking for on those two sites, you’ll probably come across someone there who can point you in the right direction. Good luck!
Good question! The go-to place to start is also probably the most frustrating – Collarspace. Logging on as a female, you average about 100 messages an hour, and that’s if you don’t respond to anyone. And, of course, a great many of the profiles are fake, so really pack your patience. The reason why we keep going back is that enough of the profiles are real, and the traffic is high.
Fetlife is another good option. While it’s not a dating site per se, it’s an excellent community hub. I’d also recommend Alt.com. It’s free to set up a profile, and the process is surprisingly thorough. But in order to respond to someone you’ll need to upgrade your account. I’ve not been there for a while, but the last time I was there I remember the rates were reasonable and the traffic was steady. Also, because a modest fee was involved it tended to cut down on the fakes, unlike Collarspace.
That’s a good question. Maybe the best question. The world looks a bit perilous doesn’t it? Well…
When I set out to become a submissive I was welcomed into the scene. My newbie mistakes were tolerated, my eagerness to learn was encouraged with a generosity of spirit that still makes me smile. Of course I made mistakes along the way but overall I had a wonderful adventure. I only wish I’d listened to my basic instincts which told me to turn my back on the vanilla world entirely – I would have been SO much happier! But that’s a tale for another night.
At present there seems to be a determined effort to send as many of us scurrying back into our collective closets as possible. As of this evening, it being late July in the year 2019, I’m closing in on my 37th year in the scene. I’m not about to put a lifetime of experience on the shelf, especially not now. I’ve already spent a good bit of time mentoring those with less experience. I enjoy answering questions and going over the basics. I especially like clearing up misconceptions like BDSM is nothing but abuse. There’s a huge difference – I’ll cover those details in its own post.
Most of my blog will be Q & A with the occasional observation. Please feel free to drop me a line. I’ll be happy to consider genuine questions. Flames will be cheerfully fed to my charmander.
Kinky Corner 